Five and a half years ago, I began a journey that took me out of the closet, marriage and Mormonism. Four and a half years ago, I began another journey when I met Mark, the man who would become my husband - a man who I fully expected to spend the rest of my life with. But 18 months into our relationship, he was diagnosed with inoperable advanced stage prostate cancer. A little over two months ago, he died.
Now, I find myself once again embarking on another journey. When I came out, I started blogging under a pseudonym, Invictus Pilgrim. When I met Mark, I closed that blog and began blogging a few months later on Nuovo Uomo. For four years, I wrote about our journey together. When Mark died, I thought for a time I would leave blogging behind me. But the urge to write reasserted itself, and after thinking about it for several weeks, I decided to start this new blog to chronicle my new journey. I don't know how often I'll write; I'm not going to put any pressure on myself.
I chose the title From Here to There to reflect the fact that I don't know where my new journey will take me. Of course, there are constants, especially my relationships with my children. But for the first time in over 30 years, I find myself living alone. Among other things, I face a new opportunity for self-discovery, which is both enticing and somewhat terrifying at times. I hope to find love again, yet I don't know where or when it will be found.
I chose the title From Here to There to reflect the fact that I don't know where my new journey will take me. Of course, there are constants, especially my relationships with my children. But for the first time in over 30 years, I find myself living alone. Among other things, I face a new opportunity for self-discovery, which is both enticing and somewhat terrifying at times. I hope to find love again, yet I don't know where or when it will be found.
I have learned enough these past two months to know that I must be patient, that I must acknowledge feelings of loss, disorientation and fear without letting them overwhelm me, and that I mustn't "try for an outcome." In this regard, I have had opportunity during these past weeks to reflect upon a quote by John Tarrant that was used in our commitment ceremony in August 2013. It was so appropriate for Mark and I then, and it is appropriate for me now.
"Love is fundamentally honest. It doesn't try for an outcome;
it doesn't wish it had a different moment from the one it
has now or different people from the ones it is with.
Love trusts that it is not separate from the world
because it is the world."
And so, the next journey begins.
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